How to Disentangle from Crazy, Karmic Relationships

Karmic relationships

Karmic relationships can be transformed. A Shutterstock Licensed Image.

We’ve all had at least one relationship that’s threatened our personal power. We may have become so entrenched, we could no longer speak-up or stand-up for ourselves. Sadly, when this friend, lover or family member invited us into their wacky world, we went willingly—and we stayed. Unaware, we left ourselves unprotected and were subject to a twisted reality, which we began to perpetuate and co-create.

When I say “intense,” I’m referring to the self-centered, dramatic people in our lives who expect us to give to them in ways they don’t even give to themselves.

It might appear that the other person is playing a game with our hearts, disabling our abilities to see ourselves and the relationships clearly.

Who am I talking about?

The most problematic people are the ones who regularly chip away at our truth, time, self-esteem, and emotional well-being. Instead of lovingly lifting us up, they hold our heads slightly beneath the water’s surface so we can’t speak or breathe. This hurtful treatment further compounds the dynamic, as well as our misery. This is one of the craziest and karmic relationship.

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Human beings have been naturally attracted to egoistic spectacles for centuries. We’ve loved melodrama in our celebrities and long-enabled it in our families. We’ve actively sought it out in friendships, romance and business. We have been eternally attracted to relationships with kooky, intense people.

Fortunately, we can kick them out at any time.

Sensational melodrama can be fun for a while, as it often invites fascinating experiences. While it usually requires that we endure discomfort and disruption, madness usually comes with gifts and surprises too, like 5-star adventures, refreshing spontaneity and hourly oral sex.

How do we put a stop to something

that sometimes balances out to awesome?

More importantly, why would we want to?

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Although mania has value, the problems begin when mania is at the helm. During those times, we don’t realize how much we’re neglecting the other parts of our souls and lives. As we gaze at the world wearing kooky-colored glasses, we have limited awareness of how f*cked up the rest of our commitments and relationships have become.

Craziness and melodrama are drugs akin to sugar, cocaine, and greed. They’re addictive and dangerous. We might think we’re enjoying a relationship with a phenomenon, but just like any activity that subverts our value, copulating with Ms. Kooky or Mr. Crazy is nothing but self-sacrificial.

Our introduction to egocentricity often comes from our siblings, parents, and family circumstances. Unknowingly, we recreate situations related to our upbringing. That said, even though we’re born into madness, it doesn’t mean we have to stay there.

It’s okay to have a little crazy-intelligence in the house, but if the dynamics continually create roller-coasters, it might be time to ask, “What the f*ck am I doing here?” and “What am I getting out of this?”

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When crazy-intelligence is healthy, it pushes us to think outside the box, inspires us to plan wonderful events, and helps us conjure mind-blowing ideas. When crazy-intelligence is our friend, it builds bridges, enhances our lives, and improves our self-worth. But if untenable craziness dominates, it’s nothing more than a beautifully-decorated weapon that we empower to bring us down.

Weaning off of melodrama can be a nightmare. It requires being honest about what we want and what truly makes us happy. It requires a great deal of self-reflection and letting go.

The process of absolving ourselves from someone else’s egocentricity and melodrama will bring up anger, sadness, guilt, and shame. It can get really messy in such a karmic relationship. If we’re successful, it’ll inspire tough-mindedness, the ability to confront others, and the desire to continue making and sticking to proactive changes in our lives. If we’re not successful, we’ll compound our challenges and put ourselves at further risk.

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When we’ve enrolled ourselves in someone else’s chaos,

we lose touch with what brings us peace.

In the midst of mayhem,

we forget how to nurture our hearts

and defend our life-vision.

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If you’ve been eating at the kooky, karma table and desire a rebirth, follow this plan:
  1. Make note of the things you’ve learned from all the drama: the good, the bad, and the super f*cked-up. Celebrate the lessons and be grateful.

  2. Make a list of the wonderful things and people in your life, then fill your schedule with them.

  3. Before you add something new to your life, ask yourself, “Will this person or event enhance my happiness, awareness, and life-conditions, or will he or she detract from them?”

  4. Say goodbye to the egocentricity and imbalance, either in-person, phone, text, or via a loving friend who’s willing to take a bullet for you. It can be a sentence, book, video, or one-person play. Just get ‘er done.

  5. Never look back. Ever.

If we can enjoy the unpredictable drama in our lives and then use it for our evolution, maybe we’ve mastered it. For the rest of us, saying goodbye to Ms. Kooky or Mr. Crazy is the moment when our lives begin.

A Ritual for Changing the Book of Life

It’s time to reboot with this awesome ritual. A Shutterstock Licensed Image.

I’m fascinated by White-Lighters. Who are the White-Lighters? These are the folks breathing white light through their navel with the hope that their world will change without any additional effort. They write down their needs and desires and say, “Since I have written and spoke these things, they will all appear!”

Unfortunately, reality doesn’t work that way. It’s true that thoughts and intentions are powerful. They help us form our action plans, relationships, and boundaries. They set the tone we need to move forward on a path. But if we’d like something to actually occur, ya know, like in a physical reality that we are participating in, we have to invest quite a bit of action into an event before it manifests. Matter is quite a complex notion, especially if you want to move it around or make it do something that’s a deviation from its current path.

Making changes to our lives can be complicated. We might want to say goodbye to a friend who continually hurts or disrespects us, but that friend is connected to 27 other people we love. How then do we move through space and time and fine-tune our experience without creating absolute social havoc?

How do we disrupt our old ways and create lasting change?

To effect lasting change in our lives, it’s important that we can access our feelings, express ourselves, clean house, and establish changes in our behavior. Ritualizing the changes we desire can produce a lot of emotions which results in an up-leveling of our wisdom. Without emotions, there’s no wisdom, and without wisdom, it’s difficult to make better decisions.

I cried my eyes out yesterday saying goodbye to someone I had said goodbye to long ago. The problem was that when I exited that relationship, I didn’t fully emote the change. I may have been in a state of shock.

Conversely, when I’ve ritualized the changes I’ve wanted, the emotions come, and then I’m clearer and more resolute. And because I’ve begun to release emotions, when I make the change, it’s a full-bodied, resolute, and complete experience.

What does it mean to ritualize a desired change?

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A ritual is a physical activity involving clear intentions, words, symbolic gestures, and objects that we find to have meaning in our lives, the unique coordination of which helps us establish a greater level of peace or a change around a specific reality. In short, a ritual is a personal, physicalized prayer.

My favorite ritual for letting go of the past, changing behavior, and inviting a new paradigm for life is called, The Changing the Book of Life. I learned the ritual from a Native American elder who had taken me under his wing.

With a gallon of water, a blanket, and a list of things I wanted to pray about, I hiked into the Pecos wilderness, veering off the main path for around 10 miles. After a full day of hiking at a great pace, I was nestled deep in the real wilderness (not the wilderness marked by paths, signs, and toilets). I climbed atop a steep hill above the tree line and I sat in the lotus position and meditated.

It was a super hot day in August so I took off all my clothes and drank some water. I felt peaceful and resolved in what I was about to do. A mountain lion walked nearby and climbed further up the hill. He sat behind me and watched me for the duration of my ritual.

There were no birds at this elevation, but a few tiger moths floated gently around me. I took out a piece of paper titled, “Changing the Book of Life Ritual,” which had a list of instructions, along with my list of all sorts of things that I wanted the universe to shed some light on.

The ritual asks that we choose a deity. I chose a power-quad of Jesus, Amma (Amma.org), Buddha, and a Tree. I imagined the four of these superpowers working on my behalf throughout the entire ritual.

The instructions stated that I was to imagine each challenge that I wanted to be changed in my life and ask the deities to “Change the Book of Life” for all time.

Here’s the way it works:

  • Sit quietly and make a list of the things in your life that you want to release. This includes people, places, events, experiences, and ideas.

  • Head into the woods alone so that you can connect with nature. Find a peaceful place to perform your ritual.

  • As you sit quietly, invite all of your guides and diety to join you.

  • Imagine that you can see your deity (or imagine an expansive universe) in front of you, near you, or in the sky around you.

  • Imagine the challenges that you want to release and speak them aloud.

  • Tell the universe or your deity that you want back all the gifts, talents, and attributes that you gave to this person or experience.

  • Tell the universe that you are giving back all the gifts, talents, and attributes that you received from this person or experience.

  • Ask the deity or universe to help the people involved in the challenge. Pray that neither you nor the other person (or peoples) experiences no lost love in the change you are requesting.

  • Ask that all dangling threads of need, hope, and desire are fulfilled and nurtured in every way by the limitless universe. In this way, there is no loss, even though you are asking that something be deleted from your eternal life records.

  • Tell the deity or universe that you want this change to happen immediately, right now, and that you want the “book of life” to be changed for all time.

I thought I had a handful of things I wanted to change, but the more I got into it, I was releasing more and more. I was going far beyond my original list.

I thought this ritual was going to take a couple of hours and then I’d be off hiking, but I let go of 40 people and events, and it took seven hours to complete.

Throughout these seven hours, I cried, laughed, sobbed heavily, pounded the earth in anger, freaked out, pissed myself, had anxiety, shouted out my pain, and completely exhausted every level of my being in every way. It was a relatively insane experience, but WOWOWOW! It was powerful.

As I looked out across the treetops, seeing this beautiful sunset, it was the clearest sky I had ever seen. I could see eternity. I peeked over my shoulder and saw the mountain lion was still resting nearby.

I felt deeply grateful for the experience of releasing so many things, so I bowed my head and thanked the universe for this changing of the book of life.

I thanked creation, knowing that my gifts, talents, and attributes would be returned to me. I knew I would feel more whole.

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As I lifted my head with love in my heart, 20 feet in front of me, just off the edge of the cliff appeared 40 beautiful, boisterous, singing birds.

This was the universe reflecting back to me all that I had given away in my life. I felt heard and loved. I was so deeply moved that I sobbed for an hour in gratitude.

The Changing of the Book of Life Ritual was extremely powerful for me. There has been nothing even remotely similar to this experience in my life. It was beyond life-changing. I slept soundly atop the rocks that night with my friend the mountain lion nearby.

The ritual was a profound experience and it worked according to its promise. I released things I never thought were possible. Everything was lighter after that day. My life felt realigned and focused. My heart was no longer cloudy and my relationship-tree was cleansed and simplified. I was renewed in every way.

Days later, I had several unusual voicemails from a few people I had released. They must have felt something. I know I sure did.

Learn more about rituals & engage Paul as your guide.

Give Yourself Permission to Say Goodbye to Family

permit yourself to say goodbye to family

Birth-families are not always awesome. A Shutterstock. Licensed Image.

We don’t have to remain latched to every kid, sibling, or cousin across three generations just because we married a lineage, or share blood and a last name. It’s okay to gently, swiftly say goodbye. We might even be doing them a favor.

It’s a fallacy, an ancient mythic lie that our birth and constructed families are permanent fixtures in our lives. They are not permanent and they are not always required. It’s our choices that enable a person or family to hurt, oppress, and control us.

Families are temporary constructs from which we derive temporary meaning for our lives. If the meanings change, dissolve or contravene, either through our evolution or a shift in another person’s perspective, we are called to rethink, possibly redesign our commitments. While this is not a call to be reckless, it’s important to understand that every person has options.

Birthdays, New Years, and holidays usher in profound times of reevaluation, self-reflection and tribal-assessment. When we first start to explore our needs for independence from our families, we might choose to refrain from heading home for the holidays. Doing so, we might feel guilty or conflicted, or we might have the best frickin’ holiday of our lives.

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Our childhood experiences and habits around holidays are not indelible. We can remake anything at any time through a shift in perspective and behavior. Playing the old movies in our minds, we realize what we don’t want in our lives. Stepping away from the past, we realize we have unlimited potential in any direction.

If we’re paying attention during family visits, the moment we pull into our sibling’s or mother’s (or even our own) driveway, we begin to feel the stress around the family behaviors we no longer desire or wish to tolerate. We start to feel our former-self bubble up, chock-full of old responses, and ancient reactions. For many people, holidays are times of healing and renewal. For the rest of us, enforced family gatherings are head-f*cks.

The true definition of a birth family: a small group of people forced to deal with each other while fighting for limited resources. These birth, childhood, and adoptive groups are vital to our growth and self-discovery, but many of them have expiration dates. While these families might serve a huge purpose in our early years, they can become void of intrinsic value as we age. They can also become toxic.

 

This is not to say that all families are bad or that we should strive to let them go. On the contrary, if you’ve been born into a tolerable group of fair-minded people who respect you, then cling to these people with all your heart! If you’re a Mormon, you might be so enthused with your family that you’ve sealed yourself to them for eternity. Whatever moistens your loins. Go for it!

For many of us though, our families, and sometimes our marriages, are odd assemblages of twisted personalities that were never able to agree-upon an all-inclusive system of communication, behavior, and rituals.

There may have been abuse or neglect in the original contracts within your childhood home. It might be that your voice was never truly welcome in your family. You may be a successful person in the world, but when you return home to the old patterns, you’re thrust into the corner with a mouthguard and dunce cap.

You might need to dig deep and grieve some of the toxic imagery rolling around in your mind and heart. You might be so overwhelmed with emotions stemming from childhood that it’s become impossible to speak with members of your family.

Every one of us has family fascia clinging to our souls, so remember that you’re in good company. Seek clarity. While everyone else will want to cram you into their little boxes, allow yourself to expand, make YOU the priority, and love yourself.

 

It might be that we hate our families and refuse to forgive them. We may have forgiven them, but we refuse to forget. We might love them, but don’t want to be near them any longer. It might be that you’re still playing the role of victim, and being around your family is akin to pouring salt in your wounds.

Each situation is unique and cannot be judged from the perspectives of traditional or religious family values. Human beings are far more complex than that and there are many paths that lead to liberation.

If you find yourself nodding your head as you read all this, accept the fact that your situation is your own and you do not need anybody’s approval to make changes in your life. Regardless of how many family relationships you decide to exit, understand that those who truly wish to be in your company will seek you out with a full heart, complete respect, unlimited kindness, and compassionate understanding.purchase-the-personality-cards-oracle-tarot-deck

Pushing hard to break from family might not bring about the most lasting changes. Before applying the pruning sheers to your family tree, come to terms with your mistakes, then forgive them. Come to terms with other people’s mistakes, then forgive them. Be accepting of the way things are. Find peace before you make major breaks.

When making big decisions around relationships and family bondage, shut out the old family voices, quiet the sibling rants, silence the “traditional society” and religious bullshit. Listen to your voice. It’s the only one that counts.

Our paths are mutually exclusive. Yours might require extended periods of solitude. It might be that you need a break from family or tradition. Heck, you might just want to skip one holiday meal in favor of drinking your face off at the local bar. You get to choose because it’s your life. Don’t get tripped up by guilt and shame. Those things barely exist.

Even the Buddha skipped town on his wife and kid.

He turned out okay, right?

Whatever changes are on your horizon, seek the ones that bring you peace. Seek traditions, new or old, that bring you joy.

Our primary contract is not with our families, it’s with the Universe.

Infuse that contract with as much joy as possible. With or without family, it’s your life. Enjoy it!