Last updated: June 25, 2025

Am I Being Cushioned or Back-Burnered In My Relationship?
Are you in a back-burner relationship? The first days of a relationship can be intoxicating – you’re falling in love, getting to know your new partner, and floating on the proverbial cloud. Everything is amazing, and then little by little, you may start to notice that the relationship you were so happy in has changed. Your partner is distant and secretive, and you feel like you can’t connect with them.
You try everything! You put on sexy underwear, you make pot roast, you do your wild dance, and damnit – it still feels like he’s on Relationship Vacation.
If this sounds familiar, you may be in a back-burner relationship – feeling a bit like you’re babysitting rather than being fully loved and appreciated.
If you want to be a relationship warrior – creating EXACTLY what thrills and heals you – read on to learn about cushioning and back-burnering. Within minutes, you’ll discover the warning signs – if this is happening in your relationship.
What Is Considered Cushioning in Dating & Relationships?
Never heard of cushioning? A cushioning relationship is when your partner is a bit sneaky – and has someone set up as a back-up plan in case your relationship fails. Essentially, they’re fostering a semi-romantic relationship with another person that they can transition into a full-out dating relationship if things go south with you.
The cushion is their Self-Esteemer – a selfish energy vault to engage upon any conflict – so they NEVER feel fully hurt or devastated. This is a bypass for them, and a redirect of value and energy – all of which should be directed towards YOU – and nobody else.
Cushioning happens when a relationship is on the rocks and someone is afraid of being alone. They might be unable to commit or be fully honest with themselves – and you. This can happen when your partner craves more attention than one person can reasonably give them. And they might cushion as an addiction. This shows that your partner isn’t committed to you or your relationship – and is making backup plans for when things are challenging or on the verge of falling apart.
Truth be told, the moment they choose cushioning over you, things begin tumbling toward heartbreak.
What Is Back-Burnering?
While back-burnering can look similar to cushioning on the surface, it differs from cushioning in a few ways. When you’re on the back burner with someone, you aren’t their main priority in the relationship. And maybe they never even promised that to you – or maybe you prefer this!
It might also be that they are not pursuing a relationship with someone else, but they’re not giving you their all, either. You might be doing the same thing – or you may have started or provoked this whole paradigm due to your own fears and limits. Only you know the truth here.
When you’re being back-burnered, you may find that your partner doesn’t seem to have time for you or interest in being with you. You may feel like a second choice, and you might find that you don’t get to spend very much time with them. You might also be in denial about what you’re actually giving the other person – are you giving them your all?
Sometimes, being in a back-burner relationship can feel even lonelier than just being single. This is because your heart is open – and finally feeling something – bringing to the surface parts of you that you’ve been neglecting for a long time.
Relationship Truth Bombs Before You Settle – or Stay
Before we dive into signs and red flags, here’s the real medicine: There is no “other.” There is no “they.” Every relationship dynamic – the flakiness, the ghosting, the breadcrumbing – is a mirror of your inner state, of your soul calling to itself through an external experience. That’s right – this is about YOU.
If this is happening in your relationship, this isn’t the time for blame – it’s time for self-ownership and liberation. If you’re attracting people who can’t choose you, ask: Where am I still not choosing myself? What within me is attracting this?
And how can I lead the way to a super awesome, super healthy, super wonderful relationship with this person – a projection of myself?
We don’t land in cushioning or back-burner relationships by accident. We match them. On some level, part of us is afraid to be fully seen, fully open, fully worthy of a real f*cking YES. We hide, we skip, we pretend – and we avoid ourselves.
Why? We might be lazy and want it all handed out on a silver platter. Part of us might even prefer the chaos – because it lets us avoid our deepest work – and it gives us something that appears to be obviously not our fault – or not our responsibility. You’re better – you’re BIGGER than that.
This doesn’t excuse their behavior – it just puts your healing back in your hands. And that’s where your freedom lives.
So before you analyze the people in your life to death, stop and ask:
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- Am I available for real intimacy?
- Am I projecting old pain onto this person?
- Am I still addicted to being almost-loved, because fully-loved feels terrifying?
- Am I owning and healing my full self all the time?
Healing begins when we stop outsourcing our power to someone else’s behavior – when we stop allowing someone else to have full agency over our happiness – and when we start anchoring ourselves into our own sovereignty.
The moment you fully own your frequency – the moment you stop playing small, stop settling, stop blaming – the pattern collapses. The Universe reroutes – and expands within you and within your sphere. Your soul IMMEDIATELY gets loud. And the game changes.
Now let’s look at the signs you might be back-burnered or cushioned – so you can call it what it is, clean it up, and rise the hell out of it. You came here to burn through bullshit and rise into sovereign, soul-lit connection. So let’s get to it!
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6 Signs That Indicate You’re Being Back-Burnered Or Cushioned
Does something feel off, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? Maybe your partner is distant, inconsistent, or just not as engaged as they used to be. Maybe you’re numb from childhood trauma or a prior relationship debacle and you can’t fully access your full self!
Sometimes these things can shift when we own our issues and start working on them. Other times, it can certainly be the other person and how they view the relationship.
If you’re starting to wonder whether you’re a priority or just an option in this unfulfilling relationship, here are some red flags that you’re being cushioned or back-burnered.
Red Flags Pointing To Cushioning Or Back-Burnering
1) They’re Secretive About Phone Activity
One of the first things you may notice when you’re being cushioned or back-burnered is that your partner is suddenly glued to their phone. They don’t go anywhere without it, and they always seem to be texting, chatting, or scrolling social media. This may even start to interfere in your relationship, since you can’t seem to get their attention. This is an emotional sign of being in a back-burner relationship.
Worst of all, your partner may start refusing to let you see anything on their phone. Of course, everyone has a right to their privacy, but your partner shouldn’t be making active efforts to hide their phone activity from you. If they won’t let you see what they’re texting or looking at, it could mean they’re chatting up someone else.
Meanwhile, it is also possible your paranoia is stemming from your own lack of honesty – or inability to trust them born from your own traumas – that you’ve yet to own and heal.
2) If They’re Hot And Cold
One of the biggest red flags in a relationship is your partner switching between being affectionate and being aloof. Everyone has bad days, and your partner may have times when they feel a little more distant or hard to read. But swinging wildly between hot and cold can show you that your partner isn’t sure if they want to be in your relationship.
Remember – you have to start with yourself. Did you initiate this pattern? Are you certain you’re owning your challenges and allowing your emotions to rise, express, and dissolve?
When we fully own our traumas, we energetically inspire others to do the same. This can clear myriad troubling patterns in our relationships. When we’re at our best, the relationship’s frequency begins to rise. This can awaken our partners to look within and adjust themselves – thereby improving the relationship.
Check into these things, too:
Does your partner refuse to talk to you for days on end and then call you and act like nothing is wrong?
Do they act like they want you one night and then barely look your way for the next week?
These sorts of extreme fluctuations could be a sign that they’re pursuing other options on the side and only doing what they have to in order to keep you going. And again, it might be that you’ve not yet fully owned your part in these challenges.
3) When Your Partner Isn’t Making Solid Plans With You
The surest way to tell what someone’s priorities are is to look at where they spend their time. In a healthy relationship, you and your partner should be spending time together on a regular basis. Even if you don’t see each other every day, you should be able to count on them to show up for plans because they value that time with you.
When your partner is cushioning you or putting you on the back burner, they may start refusing to make solid plans. The truth is that by the time those plans come around, they don’t know if they’ll have a better offer from someone else. If your partner acts like spending time with you is an option that they can’t commit to, it may be a sign that something is wrong.
4) Is Your Partner Standing You Up? Prime Example Of Back-Burnering Or Cushioning

Even worse than refusing to make solid plans is a partner who straight-up stands you up. You may have plans for them to call, for you to have a date night, or for you to meet up. But at the last minute, they have to work, a family member needs something, a friend called, or they’re just too tired.
As with many of these warning signs, these things can happen every now and again in a relationship. It’s when a pattern starts developing that you should be worried. Getting stood up for a phone call once is one thing; missing three plans with you in a month or standing you up for an important event shows that they have somewhere else they’d rather be.
5) If Your Partner Is Not Responsive, They’re Back-Burnering You Or Cushioning
When you first got into this relationship, you and your partner probably talked for hours on end and texted every day. They answered your questions, reacted to your stories, and showed you that they cared. But now, you may have the sense that your partner isn’t listening or that they’ve just plain checked out.
Most of the time, your partner should engage with you, respond to your texts and calls, and make you feel heard. It takes less than thirty seconds to send a text message, and no one is so busy that they can’t manage an “I’m busy, but I’ll call you later” message. If your partner isn’t responding to you, it may show you that they’re busy talking to someone else.
6) Major Red Flag Of Both Cushioning & Back-Burnering Is A Sudden Slow Down In Your Sex Life
Of course, one of the biggest signs of trouble in a relationship is a significant change in your sex life. It’s normal for your sex life to slow down a little as you move out of the honeymoon phase of your relationship. In fact, some studies show that most Americans in happy relationships have sex about once a week.
But while a slight slowdown is normal, a full stop is something to be concerned about. If your partner used to be excited about getting down with you and now they seem indifferent, it’s a sure sign that there’s some sort of problem. They might be experiencing a physical problem that needs to be addressed, they might be working through a personal crisis, or they might be turning their attention elsewhere.
The Impact of Back-Burner Relationships on Self-Esteem

Back-burner relationships may seem subtle on the surface, but their emotional toll can be profound and often insidious. When someone keeps you simmering on low heat – not fully committing, yet not letting go – it creates a chronic state of emotional ambiguity that eats away at your self-esteem. You begin to internalize their lack of effort as a reflection of your own worth. The silence between texts, the canceled plans, the inconsistent affection – all begin to whisper a lie to your heart: “You’re not enough.”
Over time, this leads to a corrosive kind of self-doubt. You start wondering what you’re doing wrong, even when deep down, your intuitive guidance tells you that it’s not about your value – it’s about their lack of clarity and integrity.
The back-burner dynamic makes you feel disposable, like a placeholder in someone else’s timeline – and that can bleed into your sense of identity, clouding your confidence, and distorting your understanding of love and connection. In essence, a back-burner relationship isn’t just a poor romantic setup – it’s a spiritual siphon that depletes your inner light, unless you recognize it, reclaim your power, and re-center yourself in truth.
How to Confront a Partner About Cushioning Behavior
If you suspect you’re being cushioned – meaning your partner’s got a soft, sneaky backup to soothe their ego – it’s time to speak up from clarity, not chaos. Start by grounding yourself. No need to lash out or beg. Just speak what’s real: “I feel like there’s a part of you that’s not fully here, and it hurts.” Be specific but loving.
Give them a chance to tell the truth – and don’t override your intuition just to keep the peace. If they deflect, gaslight, or act like you’re imagining things – believe their energy more than their words. You’re not here to babysit someone’s ego while they flirt with exit plans. You’re here to be cherished.
Speak your truth, then watch what they do. That tells you everything.
Cushioning vs. Micro-Cheating – What’s the Difference?
Cushioning is when someone keeps a “just-in-case” person close – like an emotional airbag in case things crash with you. It’s a soft betrayal wrapped in charm. Micro-cheating is sneakier – tiny acts of disloyalty that feel innocent but erode trust: flirty DMs, secret follows, lingering messages that cross energetic lines.
Cushioning is about plans – prepping for emotional escape. Micro-cheating is about habits – small leaks in integrity that drain intimacy. Both hurt. Both tell you your partner’s not fully in. And both are calls to come back to your worth – and decide what kind of relationship you truly want to live in.
Get Out of Back-Burner Relationships
Back-burner relationships can be lonely, miserable, and deeply painful. You deserve to be with a partner who is excited about being with you, who is committed to continuing to grow your relationship, and who makes you a priority in their life. If they start checking out and you have a bad feeling, trust that intuitive guidance and consider moving on to a better relationship.
If you’re feeling sidelined, dismissed, or like a low-priority option – you’re not in a relationship, you’re in emotional limbo. Cushioning and back-burner dynamics are quiet betrayals that chip away at your spirit. You deserve a partner who’s all in – present, turned on by your light, and building something real with you.
If your gut says something’s off, trust it. Your intuition is your higher self whispering: “This isn’t love – this is survival.” Walk away with grace, not drama. Choose you. Choose peace. Choose a connection where you don’t have to question your worth every damn day.

Steps to End a Back-Burner Relationship Respectfully
Ending a back-burner situation doesn’t mean you have to blow it all up in fire and fury. You can walk out with dignity – clear, centered, and done. First, name it for what it is: “This connection doesn’t feel mutual anymore. I’m not available to be an afterthought.” Keep it simple. No need to unpack their dysfunction or fix their wounding. That’s not your job.
Let your intuitive guidance lead – not your fear of hurting them or being alone. Set the boundary, make the clean break, and release with compassion. You’re allowed to leave quietly and still honor your power. This is your soul saying: Thank you, but I choose more.
If you’d like to learn more about cushioning and back-burner relationships, check out the rest of my site at PaulWagner.com – and it might be time for a spiritual guide in your life.
Ready to Choose More In Your Relationship?
You don’t have to settle for half-hearted love, breadcrumb affection, or spiritual laziness masked as “almost.” If you’re in a back-burner or cushioning relationship, it’s not your fault – but it is your moment to choose something better. You were born to experience wild, soul-deep connection – not sit around hoping someone wakes up and sees your light. If you’re ready to reclaim your worth and rise into a relationship that feeds your spirit, I’ve got you.
Visit PaulWagner.com to explore intuitive coaching, oracle decks, healing sessions, and real spiritual support.
Your heart deserves devotion – not delay. Let’s begin.
REMEMBER!
You are a beautiful Living Being filled with light and love, born from stardust. You are unlimited potential in every direction. With a focus on discipline, virtue, and your own goodness, you can become as expanded and liberated as you desire.
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Frequently Asked Questions On Cushioning & Back Burner Relationships
To help you understand at a glance, here’s soul-level clarity you’ve been craving:
- What is a back-burner relationship?
It’s when you’re not the main dish – you’re the emotional snack your partner keeps on low heat. They’re not showing up fully, not choosing you boldly, and you’re stuck in limbo – half-seen, half-loved, fully exhausted.
- What does cushioning mean in dating?
Cushioning is your partner emotionally lining up their next hookup while still sharing your bed. It’s the “just-in-case” flirt they text when things feel hard with you. They’re not loyal – they’re prepping for their soft landing while you hold the weight.
- What are the signs of being cushioned or back-burnered?
They’re glued to their phone, ghost your plans, act hot one day and ice-cold the next. You feel like a maybe instead of a fuck yes. Your sex life is stale, and your intuition is screaming, “Something’s wrong!” And guess what? It is.
- Why do people back-burner and cushion?
Because they’re terrified of being alone, addicted to attention, or too emotionally limp to choose real intimacy. Instead of owning their fears, they scatter their energy – using you as an anchor while chasing spark elsewhere.
- What should I do if this is happening to me?
Stop making excuses for them. Stop dimming your light to stay in their maybe. Your soul already knows the truth. Speak it. Leave with power. You’re not here to be a backup plan – you’re here to be fucking adored.
- How can I become a spiritual warrior and raise my frequency – to attract a profound partner?
Stop chasing love. Start becoming it. A spiritual warrior doesn’t wait for someone to choose them – they choose themselves in every breath. That means doing the inner work: clearing trauma, ending victim loops, speaking truth without apology, and embodying the love you long for.
You raise your frequency by living in integrity, feeling your feelings, and refusing to settle for surface-level anything.
The more you become the kind of energy you want to share your life with, the more magnetic you become to partners who are equally tuned in, turned on, and unafraid of your light. So burn through your stories. Anchor in your power. And remember: the most profound relationships begin the moment you stop needing one to feel whole.
Get in touch and let’s get you on the road to a beautiful, profound, and empowered life.
REMEMBER!
You are a beautiful Living Being filled with light and love, born from stardust. You are unlimited potential in every direction. With a focus on discipline, virtue, and your own goodness, you can become as expanded and liberated as you desire.